Killer minds of combat
by BrookeMarie2604
Summary: Not all pain shows, everyone hides a demon locked inside, just some show and some overtake everything until nothing is right anymore. In combat not all soldiers can take the pain, the things they've seen, heard and felt. Feeling the strain Sam recollects the pain of what happened over six-months ago, but can she handle it coming back to her, or will she fall like so many others?
1. Beginning of the end

_**Well hello there, long time no see, I blame the mess of my life for that aha. Since I last updated any of my (two) stories I have managed to break 2 fingers, bruise all the bones in my hand and wrist, fracture my ankle, split my nose open and have had managed to cut my head countless times, so yeah been a bit busy aha ;) I am hoping to still update in the shadows soon but I have a bad case of writers block, which I'm hoping, is going to bugger off soon aha. **_

_**This is dedicated to Katy who gave me the idea for this story and has been awesome and encouraging and shiz like that aha . Also Abbey and Callie who have been just amazing with me lately you guys are amazing! This is for you guy's xo**_

_**Afghanistan 6th March 2012**_

The gunshots rung through her ears but yet that wasn't the worse thing, gunshots she could handle but yet the most simplistic of things like standing at attention her superior officers spacious office, her mind was spiralling out of control, she knew what this was about but speaking about it was not something that she was keen on doing.

"Major Nicholls!" A stern voice behind her commanded, but she didn't flinch, she didn't spin at her superiors call, this wasn't just anybody calling her, this was the army something where discipline and respect where shown in different ways so instead of turning she quickly lowered her arms down to the small of her back and raised her legs so they where her feet were directly together so she was standing at attention. "At ease Major" Sam quickly went back to her previous position still unable to make eye contact, partly due to the fact of her position restricting her to do this but also due to fear of seeing what was hiding behind the older woman's eyes.

"Thank you ma'am" The young woman replied quickly.

"Major Nicholls, you know why you're here, we need to discuss the issue that has come to light, and it must be addressed." The woman said before moving so she was out of Sam's line of vision as she went to the filing cabinet on the far side of the room and retrieving a file from the third draw. Instead of looking at the older woman's face all Sam was staring at was the reflection of a woman she no longer recognised.

"Ma'am with all respect I do not believe it needs to be addressed, it can be dealt with, it does not need to be formally addressed" Sam replied with a little more force than she meant.

"Major Nicholls!" The woman shouted slamming her hands down on the wooden desk which led to a crash which did make Sam jump before quickly resuming her position not wanting to anger the powerful woman anymore than she knew she already was. "You know full well that this is not something to be messed with" She yelled her face turning red with anger and frustration at the young military trained medic. "This is not something to be messed with, you know the effect that this can have, you've seen the worst case scenario," She continued her voice softening slightly before her title came back to her. "So don't pretend that this is easy to handle as I know its not! Now sit down, this is going to be resolved NOW!" She said pointing strictly to a chair on the other side of the desk.

_**Holby 8th December 2012**_

Sam sat bolt upright in her small bed as she heard the sound of her alarm clock ringing, breaking into the thing of the past, which had become a nightmare even whilst it had been happening. She hit the snooze button and flopped back down into the warmth of her bed and rubbing her eyes willing them to adjust to the bright lights that where entering through gaps in the her beige curtains.

She reluctantly moved from the comfort and warmth of her bed before moving towards the kitchen of her small flat. She walked with her duvet trailing behind her as she went to the kettle making herself a strong coffee, for the way she was feeling she was defiantly going to need it, once again a night with little more than three house sleep was defiantly beginning to take its toll of her, her head was constantly spinning and it took all of her energy not to fall asleep every time she sat down for even a few seconds.

She sipped a mouthful of her coffee relishing at the momentary boost of energy it gave her before she once again felt exhaustion take over her once again, she leant down against the hard surface of the kitchen counter and leant forward to grab the _sugar puffs_ that's where waiting in the same place as they where every morning since her tour had ended.

She pored some of her semi-skimmed milk into the bowl and began to eat the sugary cereal hoping it would giver her a much needed sugar and energy boost which was needed to keep her already jumbled mind straight and in tact. She grabbed the remote and switched on the small grey TV. that was held on the wall by a metal bracket, the TV. automatically switched onto the news broadcast on ITV, and listened to the broadcast that was being sent across the nation.

"_A soldier from the 3__rd__ Battalion Yorkshire regiment has been found dead in the home he shared with his partner in North Yorkshire" _ The familiarity of the news's theme tune hung in the air before the female reporter continued her story once again. "_Twenty-two year old Private James Martin was found dead at the flat he shared with his partner Elizabeth O'Rieley Twenty-one yesterday evening. The soldier had just finished a six month tour of Afghanistan and in a statement released by the ministry of Defence the Private was said to have had shown no psychological irregularities when he was dismissed from service earlier this month, however we have been informed a full formal investigation has been indicated. More on this story at 10."_ Sam stopped drinking her coffee and looked at the picture that was displayed on the television in front of her. It showed a young man in full army kit with his beret place firmly over his dirty blonde hair, only pride in his brown eyes as he smiled at the camera whilst holding his partners waist tightly as though his life depended on it. As it was taken before his tour, he probably felt it was.

Sam quickly switched of the program off unable to listen to the future broadcast of yet another lost from the desperation to leave what they had witnessed and to permanently remove it from their mind. She turned into her bedroom and began to change into a pair of navy blue skinny jeans, a long-sleeved black t-shirt and a woolly grey cardigan. She sorted her dirty blonde hair into a French-plait and held it together with a black elastic band and pulled it from underneath her cardigan. She placed the little makeup she used on which consisted of only a little foundation to make her look a little more 'human' than she felt.

She pulled on her brown boots, grabbed her car keys and headed straight to her small blue KA that was parked outside her flat. She strapped herself into the drivers seat and headed in the direction of the Emergency Department cursing to herself for not bringing a pair of gloves as she felt the bitter weather hit her cold. She rushed as quickly as she could with the ground as slippy as it was, with the thick layer of ice, which was covering the ground. As soon as she entered the staff-room she flopped down onto the sofa rubbing her eyes as she did so, allowing herself to close her eyes for just one moment, hoping to reboots her energy levels even mildly. Her breathing slowed as her head fell back and her eyes sealed shut. She was at peace even if it was for just a few moments…

_**Sorry if this is a bit confusing. Not sure whether this should be just a one shot or a full story, that will dependant on whether people like it and tell me. If you hate it tell me that too and I will leave it as just a one shot Hope ya liked it.**_

_**Till the next time (maybe) Brooke-Marie xo**_


	2. Memories

_Hiya everyone! Im back aha ;) I have actually updated. Yeah I know I'm surprised as well aha! I would like to say a mahosivee thank you to everyone who read this especially people who reviewed. (Lots of shoutouts coming!) Connie, Callie, Emma, Sam2012Nicholls, .11, Hana, Abbey, Chloe, Lovelyja, Danielle, Becky, Katy, Sam and Jess who inboxed me her review aha. This update is for you guys! Mucho love!x_

_**Hope ya enjoy: Chapter 2: Memories.**_

_**Afghanistan: February 28**__**th u**__** 2010:**_ Sam laid in the single bed provided at base, at two in the morning she was still awake trying to remove the nightmares she and her team had encountered today whilst on a casualty pick up. She tossed over constantly trying to find a position that suited the several scrapes and bruises she had acquired earlier in the day., but to no avail she was yet to find one. After laying still for what she considered far to long for someone who wasn't asleep she opened her eyes to see the beige room flooded with light from the large lamp that sat directly next to her bed. She put her arms out in front of her and sighed as she looked at her discolored skin covered with deep purple bruises and deep red cuts, she put her finger out and began to trace around the various bumps in her skin when a loud crackling brought her away from her daydream.

"Hello?" A voice said on the end of Sam's radio. "Major Nicholls, Urm are you there?" The voice repeated, she could sense the fear in the young female voice "Its Private Daniel's, Clara Daniel's." A small whimper was let out from the other end of the transmission as the young soldier gathered her emotions together. "I think I need help… " She continued quietly . Sam couldn't stand hearing the young soldiers fear any longer, she pulled the black radio towards her and began to speak.

"Its fine, I'm coming. Over and out" She said before hanging up her radio and placing it on her combat belt, which also contained her basic medical kit, a more advanced version of a home fist aid kit. Her torch and her nine-millimeter riffle as provided to all medical combat personal. She grabbed her dark camoflaged jacket that hung on the small wardrobe in the corner of her room. Then she grabbed her belt and her ID from the table beside her before heading out to the darkened corridor of Bastion.

Sam headed towards the room she had seen many times before but had never needed to see it as such an emergency. She didn't know what had happened or why she was needed, after all her and the newly recruited soldier weren't particularly close but they hadn't had much time to be fair. The young woman had only just been on tour for little under a month, but today despite the other horrific days, today had been among the worse Sam had encountered, how the younger woman must be feeling was unknown to her.

She knocked quietly on the door attempting not to attract any attention by knocking at a random door at three in the morning. After waiting for thirty seconds she decided to knock again a bit more forcefully this time,

"Hello?" A small voice replied on the other side of the door.

"Private Daniel's, Its Major Nicholls." Sam replied quickly, making sure to keep her title. It was the only thing Sam felt could keep her professional whatever the situation. "Can you let me in please?" She continued before pulling her combat jacket closer to her as she felt the bitter winds of Afghanistan hit her.

She heard the quiet click as the lock was turned so entry was granted to get into the darkened room. She reached for the light switch rubbing her fingers together as she felt something wet and cold cover the tips of her fingers. AS she switched the lights on she saw what the foreign liquid was. Blood!

"Private Daniel's?" Sam began softly moving towards the curled up ball in the corner of the room. "Clara?" She said as calm as she could muster in the current situation. "Its alright, its Major Nicholls, its Sam" She said watching as the small figure shook with tears, trying her hardest to keep calm, and to comfort the young woman without scaring her even more than she obviously was. She moved so she was kneeling directly in front of the young woman patting her on the shoulder as she did so.

Clara lifted her head up slowly adverting her eyes so she staring unblinking at the other side of the room. "What happened Clara?" Sam asked her softly, silently sweeping the young woman's body to see where the blood may be stemming from.

"I cant… That boy." The young private began quietly. "I shot him." She carried on, her voice still barley more than a whisper

Sam looked at the young woman, attempting to mask the pity she was feeling towards the young woman. "It wasn't your fault" She said quietly. "You didn't know who it was."

At this Clara stood up quickly, that was when Sam located the injury the young woman had acquired. Or made herself have which was looking more and more likely by the second. "I shot a ten year old boy!" She shouted. "No-one else, me I did!" She screamed hysterically. "He was still a child and now he's dead as I messed up!" She screamed before leaning against the wall and repededtly punching it. ""He's dead, I killed him." She mumbled. "Im a killer!" She cried as she slid down the wall leaving a deep red trail of blood on the wall as she did so.

"Let me see Sam" Said quietly holding her hands out ignoring the scared look in the young woman's eyes. She gently pulled her hands out so she could evaluate the self-inflicted injuries. Sam bit her lip and she saw the multiple slashes crossing the pale woman's body, she sighed before reaching for the medical kit from her belt and looked into the scared woman's eyes. "What did you use?" She asked quietly as she dabbed gently at one of the less sever cuts.

Clara nodded towards the other side of the room to a small knife blade that was coated in thick red blood. "Im sorry…" She said, looking for the first time since Sam had entered the room into her eyes. All Sam could see in the young blue eyes was fear, fear could do funny things to the mind and this was one of the worse case scenarios.

"Its alright…" Sam said awkwardly, focusing on bandaging the cuts based on the upper part of her arms. "It's a coping mechanism, they'll understand." She finished quietly.

"Wait, wait. Who will?"" Clara said quickly, pulling her arm away from Sam's grip and looking up fear becoming more and more evident in her eyes.

"Captain Morrison will have to be informed and probably Bryant…" Sam replied quietly, knowing what was coming next.

"No, no, no, no, no!" Cara said quickly her yes widening,. "They cant know, seriously, I'll be thrown out quicker than they can say 'Post traumatic stress disorder! Please, don't tell them, I wont do it again, I swear I wont do it again. Ive never done it before, don't end my career over just one mistake." She cried all of her words coming out in a jumbled mess.

Sam looked at the woman in front of her, barely old enough to be here, she could stop her seeing all the terror's she had seen, but it was obvious that wasn't what was wanted. "Cara, really. I have to say something!"

"Please. Sam please I'm begging you." She pleaded her deep blue eyes staring intently at the older medic.

"Fine, I'll cover up, this time and this time only." Sam mumbled after all it was only one time she'd messed up, everyone made mistakes. What could go wrong?

_**Holby; 9**__**th**__** December 2012**_

"Sam, Sam." A voice washed over her as her eyes began to flutter open. "Wakey, wakey sleepy head." The voice came again, she now identified the voice as Tom who was standing over her, worried expression covering his face. Behind him she noticed one of the new junior nurses, but just couldn't recollect her name. "You alright?" Tom asked quietly.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine." Sam said before sitting upright and smiling halfheartedly. "How long was I asleep?" She asked looking both at Tom and the quiet figure in the corner.

"Well Robyn came and told me you was asleep about twenty minutes ago, been trying to wake you up since then." Tom mumbled looking towards the ginger figure that was beginning to leave. "Thanks Robyn." Tom shouted as she walked out the door.

"Its fine." She shouted back. "You two are perfect together." She laughed as she disappeared from view. Tom turned back to face Sam as he knelt down to her level. "You ok? You looked like you was having a nightmare." He said sympathetically.

"No, no its fine." Sam replied quickly before jumping off the sofa. "Im so late!" She shouted. "Zoe's going to kill me." She said quickly putting her hair in a ponytail with the hair tie she always kept on her wrist.

"Sam, I don't think you should be working." Tom said quietly coming in front of the mirror Sam was using while tying up her hair.

"What? Why?" Sam said quickly as she looked Tom directly in the eye and dropping her arm to her sides.

"Your exhausted Sam… You look like you haven't slept in a week!"

"What the hell would make you think that?" Sam asked her voice beginning to raise in volume as she was getting more and more wound up as the conversation progressed.

"No offence Sam but have you looked in the mirror recently? I mean I love you, but you look shattered." Tom replied teeth clenched. "And besides you just fell asleep on like one of the most uncomfortable sofa's ever!" Tom continued as he looked at the old lumpy sofa.

"Tom, I'll be fine, really." Sam said as she began to leave the room. "Don't worry about me." She said as she opened the door and walked out the room.

"Sam." Tom shouted out the door unsure to whether or not his stubborn partner could hear him and was just ignoring him or genuinely couldn't hear him. Knowing Sam it was more than likely the first of the two.

By the time he left the staffroom he had already seen that Sam was I deep conversation with Zoe and decided to leave them to it so walked in the opposite direction towards a patient who had just arrived.

"Sam, you are over half an hour late!" Zoe complained before her expression softened slightly as she took in the young medics tired features.

"Yeah, I know, I know I'm sorry it wont happen again." Sam mumbled looking at the floor. "I Urm overslept, alarm didn't go off." She lied not wanting to admit she had barley slept a wink at home and had resulted in falling asleep in the staffroom.

"Really as to be honest you don't look like you've slept at all…" Zoe replied softly, "Do you want to go home?"

"Not particularly Zoe, seriously I'll be fine!" Sam said dismissively before walking away leaving Zoe watching after her.

Sam strolled quickly to the isle that was stationed in the middle of the cubical area of the department. Around it several of the nurses where discussing a particularly sensitive patient.

"You need someone sensitive." Fletch began looking at Charlie, Tess and the student nurses they where mentoring. "This is a very difficult topic to discus with the patient." He continued.

"What's a very difficult topic?" She asked coming up behind them and looking curiously at the small team gathered around the isle.

"Cubical three." Charlie began. "Fifteen year old girl, cut herself at home and it re-opened at school, by the look of her school shirt we can guess it will need stitches but she wont let anyone examine her." He finished looking sadly towards the cubical.

"Want me to have a go?" Sam asked looking at the cubical. She was convinced she could get the young girl to open up and hopefully let her examine the injury she had sustained.

"Sure, but she's very sensitive. You need to be cautious around this." Charlie replied. "Will you be alright with it?" He asked a questioning look on his face.

"Yeah I'll be fine." Sam replied showing a quick smile and heading towards the cubical, file in hand. She took a quick peek at the name that was written on the front of the folder.

She pulled the curtain open to have it reveal a young girl who looked a lot less than her fifteen years as she laid on the bed, her white shirt now turned into a deep crimson red as the blood flowed freely from the wound. "Maddie, I'm doctor Sam Nicholls and I'll be treating you today." Sam said before shutting the curtain, she turned and saw a woman sitting in the chair beside the girls bed. "And you are?" Sam asked looking at the woman, she must be in her mid-thirties early forties Sam thought as she took in her clothing choice and her graying hair.

"Natalie Johnson, school nurse." The woman replied quickly as she thrust her hand out for Sam to shake.

Sam shook the woman's hand before beginning to speak. "Would you mind stepping outside the cubical for a few moments please? Whilst I talk to Maddie." Sam asked seeing the girls face relax as she saw her teacher leave the cubical.

"So, what happened here then?" Sam asked as sensitive as she could muster.

""I slipped… Onto glass and it re-opened at school." The young girl mumbled quietly.

"You sure?" Sam asked looking with concern at the Maddie who nodded quickly. "Do you mind me taking a look then?" Sam asked softly.

"You wont tell anyone, will you?" She asked as she slowly rolled up her top to reveal a large amount of deep red lacerations, most of which required stitches. She obviously knew Sam knew it wasn't aqquiered by a fall.

Sam took a deep breath. "Im really sorry, but I have to tell someone. I have to protect you and this is how…" Sam required quietly.

"No! No you don't, you don't have to tell anyone!" She said her voice beginning to get louder.

"Yes I do, nothing bad will happen, we just want to help you." Sam said plastering on a smile she was sure the brunette patient could tell was fake.

"How the hell do you know!" She shouted. "I dont want this! Go away!" She shouted at Sam. "Leave me alone, now, get away from me!" She screamed her voice becoming hysterical. At this point Tess had appeared at the door and was beginning to attempt to soothe the frightened patient. Sam couldn't stand it no longer, she ran full pelt as fast as she could out of the cubical, out of the ED.


End file.
